My 10 Year Anniversary
Today marks my 10 year anniversary of living with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.
In the past couple of years, it’s been difficult for me to digest that I have been living with CRPS for so long and realizing that I have such a long road ahead of me doesn’t make it any easier. Thinking about the future is quite daunting. It is the unknown, that at times, is scary to say the least. I don’t know if the pain will get better, if the pain will get worse, or if the pain will spread.
It’s in those moments when I am in excruciating pain, bawling, when I doubt my ability to fight this forever. It takes a lot of strength, both mentally and physically, to withstand the pain. Living with CRPS is challenging. I have many days when it’s hard to get out of bed, put a smile on my face, and fight.
My pain makes me feel alone, incapable, and weak. It makes me feel useless and lazy when I can’t contribute to something because all I can manage to do is get through the day. CRPS makes me feel inconvenient when I need help from others, and disappointed in myself when I must change or cancel plans. It causes me to doubt myself and my experiences. Most of all, in those moments when I have had enough of the pain, I feel hopeless as I question how much longer I can live like this.
But it’s after those distressing times when I can clearly find the small bit of hope inside me. Because even though I don’t know exactly how I am going to live with this pain for the rest of my life, I know one thing for sure. I’m going to get out of bed the next day, I’m going to put a smile on my face, and I’m going to continue to fight.
When I look at my life through a lens full of hope, I realize that if I can live with CRPS for 10 years, I can do it for 10 more, and another 10 after that. If I continue to do what I love and spend time with those that mean so much to me, I will forever have something worth fighting for.
Looking back on the past 10 years hasn’t been easy. There were days in the beginning I didn’t think I would survive, and there were times when I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live like this. But after every step taken, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
So instead of being sad or scared as another year passes, I am celebrating 10 years of living with CRPS. I am celebrating all the obstacles my family and I have overcome. I am celebrating the friends and people in my life that have supported me, in little ways or in big ways. I am celebrating my strength and perseverance. And most importantly, I am celebrating my commitment and my choice to fight this disease and find hope even in the lowest of times.
I truly believe there is purpose in all pain, and I believe there is purpose in mine. I want to give hope to those that can’t find it, I want to create awareness for CRPS so people will be able to understand those afflicted by it, and I want to help support others suffering from CRPS.
I thank God for giving me the strength to fight CRPS, and the courage to share my story. I know God has my life in His hands and through this plan, I have found hope. So, Instead of living in fear and letting my pain lead my life, I’ll let hope lead it instead. Because when we have hope, the possibilities are endless.
